Burnley FC Scheduling Coordinator Probably Not In Line for a Promotion Anytime Soon

It's turning into Burnley week here. The newly promoted EPL club made some nice acquisitions to their squad yesterday, bringing in Fletcher and Mears.

But the good PR stops there. When I found out that Burnley would be making the 6,000 mile trip to California next month for a pre-season tour of the US and a few friendlies right in my backyard, I got very excited.

Not only would I get to see a Premier League team for the low cost of $10, but I'd get to scout out some future fantasy footie studs in the process. Two birds with one stone. Brilliant, really.

Or not. 

Burnley will take on the Ventura County Fusion on July 21st at 7PM - and tickets are just $10 for adults and $5 for kids. Amazing. 

But here's the problem: Like most footie fans in Los Angeles, I'll be at the Rose Bowl on July 21st watching Chelsea take on Inter Milan in a pre-season friendly match. Sorry Burnley fans, but scouting Malouda, Lampard, and Anelka takes precedence over the Clarets.

I don't know who is to blame here - either the Ventura County Fusion management, Burnley's management, some third party event organizer, or all three - but it's just a shame that two Premier League clubs will be playing two separate matches in LA on the same night this summer. 

I've never been to a Fusion game before, and this was the club's chance to reel me in. Who knows, they may never have that chance again.

Breaking News: Antonio Valencia Joins Manchester United

Winger Antonio Valencia joined United today from Wigan. The Ecuadorian signed a four year deal.

Man City Renew Interest in Boselli After Viewing Viral Video

If Santa Cruz, Eto'o, and Tevez weren't enough, rumors are now circulating in the blue side of Manchester that The Citizens will continue filling out their 1-1-8 formation by acquiring viral video superstar Mauro Boselli.
If you haven't heard of Boselli, that's OK - he's not an Argentina international nor does he play in Europe. He's a 5 foot 9 striker who plays for Estudiantes de la Plata. He was linked with a shock move to City this spring but the interest in Boselli has since disappeared.
Bosseli's power and accuracy from the penalty spot, however, has not disappeared.

Stepping up from Soft Drinks to the Hard Stuff: Promoted Clubs Making Moves

A few newly promoted Coca-Cola Championship clubs have decided to start spending some of that live TV broadcast cash. Looking to avoid the "Are you Derby County in disguise?" chants, Premier League new boys Burnley and Wolves are upgrading their squads left, right, and center and perhaps paving the way for a few inexpensive fantasy premier league players in the process:

• Wolves have signed Reading striker Kevin Doyle for a club record fee. The Ireland international netted 55 league goals in 154 appearances for Reading and should start up front for Wolves alongside possible cheap fantasy stud Sylvan Ebanks-Blake.

• Burnley have a bid accepted for Hibernian striker Steven Fletcher. Fletcher is one of the best young players in Scotland - and is highly regarded - after scoring over 50 goals in 150 games for Hibs. Celtic and Wigan  were also interested, but the newly promoted Clarets look to have snapped up the 22-year-old. 

• Lastly, Burnley have also completed the signing of Derby County defender Tyrone Mears. Mears was linked with Portsmouth but will bring his pace and contend for the right back position at Turf Moor this season. He probably won't be a fantasy footie factor, though he is an attacking full-back.

If you have any insight or tips on newly promoted Coca-Cola Championship players/squads, make sure to send them to us at nevercaptainnickybutt [at] gmail [dot] com.

DaMarcus Beasley is no longer the thinnest person to be offered a USA kit

This is all over Twitter land today and soccer blogs like The Offside, so I figured I'd quickly post it too.

It's, of course, the official Michael Jackson USA Soccer tribute jersey, on sale for the low price of $90.

At first I was confused as to why Jackson received the number "5." I started thinking - ok - that is Oguchi Onyewu's number, and he is a defender - and Jackson had to defend himself against child molestation charges - so maybe there is some sort of "defense" link there.

Then, I realized, it's just for the Jackson 5. Got it. What a joke.

Good for "Fantasy" Football? EPL Spending Power Revisited

With the (fantasy) Premier League season just 6 weeks away, and world football entering a post Confederations Cup summer lull period, FIFA President Sepp Blatter is once again focusing on trying to find a way to curb the EPL's spending power.

Though Real Madrid are the team that has spent hundreds of millions of dollars this summer acquiring just two players, Blatter is still focused on England - and the migration of talent to the Premier League from the continent. While the trend of star players moving to England for big money makes our rosters playing the fantasy Premier League game that much richer (and more international), is it good for the overall health of the game?

I figured, since today is the day of Bernie Madoff's sentencing, that we too should debate financial absurdity - but let's focus on football in England, rather than multibillion dollar frauds in NYC.

RoboCup 2009: Something Brazil Probably Won't Win

Just as we predicted prior to the tournament, Brazil, not Spain, won the Confederations Cup. It was the country's 3rd Confederations Cup title (a record) to go along with their 5 World Cup titles (also a record).

Basically, the Brazilians are winners. The US put forth a valiant effort - and led 2-0 at the half, but Brazil's class and speed showed in the second half - just too much for the hard working Americans. The Brazilan effort in the final 45 minutes was just too good, almost robotic...

But tomorrow - a new international football tournament kicks off which Brazil probably won't win. Yup, it's the RoboCup 2009. An international robotic soccer tournament being held this year in Austria.

How About That For a Free Kick: Absolutely Brillant

Really brilliant goal by South Africa's Katlego Mphela in that country's 3-2 loss to Spain today in the Confederations Cup.
Mphela's goal came in the 92nd minute and tied the 3rd place game 2-2, forcing extra time.
During the short break before extra time began, ESPN dunce / analyst Alexi Lalas commented, "Spain would be on a flight back home to Lisbon," were it not for Mphela's brillance.
Geography lessons aside, the US takes on Brazil in less than three hours in the final.
Just get the mute button ready for Lalas.

Van Nistelrooy to Blackburn? WTF

He scored 150 goals for Manchester United in just five seasons - yes 150 goals - and he's currently on the books at Real Madrid - but reports in England suggest that Ruud van Nistelrooy could move to Blackburn of all places.
This is essentially MJ to the Washington Wizards redux. (Michael Jordan, not Michael Jackson, relax.)
The 33 year old Dutch striker seems pretty expendable at this point - after Ronaldo and Kaka were brought in, so perhaps it's not such a crazy idea after all. But Blackburn? That just seems, so, well, boring.
Manager Sam Allardyce once brought stud Nicolas Anelka to Bolton (another example of a superb player in his prime ending up at a mediocre, at best, club) so perhaps a slightly over the hill Van Nistelrooy will drink the Allardyce Kool-Aid and actually end up at Ewood Park.
This would be a pretty exciting capture for a team, Blackburn, that plays a very direct style. Long balls up the park. No fooling around. No slow buildups or beautiful passing combinations - just "kick it and run" AYSO style.
If Allardyce pulls this one off for less than $5M US, it's got to be a candidate for the deal of the summer.

Unless this has something to do with the Manchester City Football Club, I'm not Interested

Click image to enlarge

My e-mail reply to Nelu: "Unless this has something to do with the Manchester City Football Club, I'm not interested."

I have not received a response yet.

England's Amazing Youngsters

MJ would have loved these youngsters too

It's certainly not the biggest story this month in world football, but the UEFA U-21 Championship is nearing its conclusion in Sweden, and England's youngsters have really impressed.

They're through to the final after squeaking by host country Sweden on penalties in the semi-finals today, so I figured it would be nice to give them their due. Let's take a look at the starting 11, and how I rate their chances to produce in the (fantasy) Premier League this upcoming season:

GK Joe Hart: Birmingham have signed the Manchester City stud on a season long loan deal and Hart will presumably take over the starting role at St. Andrew's. Hart should be valued in the 4.5M range and could prove to be a bargain. He won't come close to matching last year's value play (Fulham's Mark Schwarzer was just 4.0M to start the season) but Hart may be a reliable back-up for fantasy footie managers.

RB Martin Cranie: Now that Liverpool have over-spent for Glen Johnson, Portsmouth should welcome Martin Cranie into the starting lineup. The right back is still an unknown commodity in the Premier League, and Portsmouth's team is still in flux after being sold, but he should get his chance - and I think he may well be a "sleeper" pick this year.

CB Michah Richards and CB Nedum Onuoha: Pretty straightforward. Both featured prominently last season for Manchester City and are reliable, if not spectacular, producers in the fantasy game. Neither player offers much of an attacking threat though and thus they will not be the key to any winning fantasy team.

LB Kieran Gibbs: At just 19 years old, he has the most potential of the back 4, but he will be stuck on the bench at Arsenal behind the superb Gael Clichy. If Clichy gets injured, Gibbs could be one to watch. Otherwise, he should be avoided.

CM Lee Cattermole, Mark Noble, and Fabrice Muamba: Cattermole is a great "Real life" player, but a poor fantasy option. He is like Nicky Butt, in that sense. He rarely scores or assists, and he often finds himself in the referee's book after a mis-timed tackle. He will have a very long career in England, but it won't be scoring goals.  Noble, on the other hand, is a guy I've always been high on. He is strong from set pieces, and plays the game with his head up - really a good passer. I like him a lot. Muamba, the Bolton player, has showed flashes of brilliance, but like Cattermole - lacks the attacking technique needed to become a reliable fantasy Premier League star. Noble is the choice out of those three, then.

LM James Milner: We don't need to say much about the Aston Villa star after his breakout season last year. The captain of the U-21 team is deadly from set pieces and the run of play, and should be the focal point of Villa's offense (along with Ashley Young) now that Gareth Barry has moved to Manchester City.

RM Theo Walcott: The biggest question mark in the U-21 starting eleven for me, from a production perspective in the EPL. Will the rest of his Arsenal teammates share the ball? Will he start consistently? Will he avoid injury? If the answer to all three of those questions is "Yes," then he will produce from his wide position. His speed is amazing. Breathtaking really.

Striker Gabby Agbonlahor: Agbonlahor should continue to form a great strike partnership up front with John Carew at Villa. He's streaky - and needs to be more consistent to please fantasy managers-  but he scores in bunches and if you catch him in a purple patch - you will not be disappointed.

Good luck to all fantasy premier league managers this coming season. The EPL kicks off on August 15th.

Super-Sub Dani Alves' Strike Sets Up Brazil - USA Final

Fast forward through the BS to ~ 35 seconds for the goal
The world's second best right back Dani Alves would start for any other country but he happens to play for Brazil - who have the luxury of starting Inter's Maicon - the world's best right back. But Alves definitely took his chance today.
Entering the game as a second half substitute, Alves scored the game winning goal to propel the Brazilians to the Confederations Cup final on Sunday. Brazil, of course, will face the heavy underdogs USA, a team they already beat 3-0 in the group stages just a week ago.
Host nation South Africa (1-0 losers today) will play Spain in the meaningless 3rd place game.

Cesc Fabregas: "I have no Friends"

Would you befriend this guy? Didn't think so.

Wtih Spain shockingly eliminated from the Confederations Cup, Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas has now switched his focus from his country to his employer - and his words don't sound like those of a happy (Captain) camper.

Fabregas notes that the "camaraderie in the Spain team" is so good, but at Arsenal, "there isn't this social group which is human, friendly, a group of normal people like my friends and we don't talk much." Cesc has no friends at work.

Basically, Cesc is experiencing the same thing that thousands of other 22-year-old males (in the US at least) experience when they graduate from university - the lack of true friendship in the workplace - when compared to what once was just a few months ago a close group of pals still in school. Cesc has just spent a few decent weeks over the summer on vacation with his Spanish "friends" and now has to go back to work - where he makes millions of pounds a year playing beautiful football alongside the likes of world class stars like Arshavin, RvP, and Adebayor.

That is what he does for a living.

At 22, the little general needs to grow up a bit. He has called the club "impotent" for failing to win any trophies over the past few seasons - fueling rumors he could leave London for Madrid.

Cesc is so young - and his (and the team's) potential is limitless. With the right addition or two, a bit of luck with regard to injuries during the season, and the emergence of a new star player (probably not the cocky and delusional Bendtner, but who knows) Cesc will be Captaining a pretty brillant ship.

Even if he doesn't leave the pitch after practice hand in hand with his sailors, skipping jovially to their Audi coupes or Lamborghinis parked outside, the skipper must realize - he has it all at Arsenal - and best friends or not, he would be making a mistake if he leaves.

Wow. Just Wow.

Link:

Jozy. USA turns football world upside down. Respect.

He Can't Be Worse than Bobby Zamora: Altidore to Fulham?

Jozy Altidore Highlight Reel from The Offside Rules on Vimeo.

Just a summer transfer rumor for you to consume alongside your Confederations Cup consumption this week - Fulham are considering bringing in US striker Jozy Altidore on loan.
Though I've never seen Altidore live, he was born in the same city (Livingston, NJ) that I attended a few years of high school. That's pretty much where the similarities end.
Altidore has yet to reach his full potential but is still just 19 years old. He's big. He's fast. And well, while he probably will look completely outclassed against Spain later on today in the Confederations Cup, he can't be worse than Bobby Zamora, right?

USA vs Spain: Grudge Match?

USA Basketball celebrates win over Spain (2008)

Just last summer the USA dominated Spain to win the Gold Medal at the Beijing Olympics.

Unfortunately, the sport played on that August day in China was basketball.

Do the Americans have a chance against the best footie team in the world? Probably not. But it should be a fun watch nonetheless.

I can't confirm this, but our buddies at Unprofessional Foul will probably be live-blogging the match if you are looking for some instant commentary from your laptops / desktops.

Sepp Blatter Doesn't Think South Africa Has Enough Hotels

The wacky Sepp Blatter, FIFA's President, the same guy who last summer called Cristiano Ronaldo a slave - singlehandedly re-igniting my sportswriting career, is back at it again.

This time, Blatter says that a major concern ahead of next year's World Cup in South Africa is an accommodation shortage - and he is proposing the berthing of passenger cruise ships off Durban, Cape Town, and Port Elizabeth to deal with the issue - setting up floating mini-hotels.

The World Cup in South Africa is expected to attract about 500,000 visitors next summer. South Africa welcomes about 10 million tourists a year. I'm pretty sure the hotel / hostel scene will be able to handle it, Sepp.

In his address, which can be seen here at Off the Post, Blatter also added that he would blow a vuvuzela at his next press conference.

Blatter did not mention whether or not his cruise ship hotels would come retro-fitted with a few prostitutes - native to the local region - of the variety the Egyptian national team allegedly enjoyed (employed?) last weekend.

It's Nice to Know that I'm Not the Only One Who Values Florent Malouda Highly

Chelsea winger Florent Malouda has signed a contract extension that will keep him at the club until at least the summer of 2012.
While Chelsea fans, commentators, and bloggers have spent the last year noting the club's "problem area" on the left wing - and discussing possibilities ranging from Yuri Zhirkov to Ashley Young to Ze Roberto, when 2009 rolled around - and I started watching Florent Malouda hit form - I just didn't understand the need to look anywhere else for a brilliant left winger. Malouda really is, well, really good.
Today, as Malouda signs a contract extension, my crazy talk from earlier in the year is somewhat vindicated. Yes, I said that if Malouda can keep his form going into next season, he will be "one of the best wingers in the league. Easily on par with Ashley Young."
It looks like the Chelsea coaching staff / general management agrees with me enough to extend Malouda's stay at the club. What do you think?

$6M Will Buy You A Europa League Club

Who's down for buying a top flight football club playing in the Europa League next season for $6M US Dollars? No joke. Just six million dollars. 

The price of an MLS club is $40 million. And that price doesn't even include David Beckham. You just get a bunch of fans yelling, "Soccer-ball rules!" or "He's offsides!" Newcastle United, one of England's most storied franchises, is currently on sale for $160M US. Cristiano Ronaldo, one player, was just sold for $130M to Real Madrid.

And for $6M you can buy Maccabi Netanya FC which has just been put up for sale by owner Daniel Jammer. To understand how big of a bargain this actually is, you need to learn a bit more about Netanya, my home town, and the club itself. Here's your daily history lesson, so enjoy:

• The Diamonds finished 4th last year in the Israeli Premier League under German legend Lothar Mathhaus, earning a spot in the 2009-2010 Europa League. The team will face off against Sliema Wanderers of Malta in the second qualifying round. So the potential is excellent.

• The greatest player in Israel's history, Mordechai Spiegler, is from Netanya, and featured for the club from 1963 to 1971 - scoring 168 goals in the process and scoring Israel's lone goal in World Cup history in 1970. So the tradition is excellent.

• The city is located on the Mediterranean coastline, and is just a short drive from Tel Aviv. The climate is amazing. Furthermore, the most beautiful women in the world can be found in Netanya, according to this 2007 study. So the location is excellent. (Especially for footballers).

I may be biased but I think Maccabi Netanya FC finds itself as the poster child for a "buy low" strategy right now. I know that money is tight across the world these days, but this deal just seems like an absolute no-brainer. Too good to be true.

So, to Netanya's next owner - I say, good luck. Perhaps the team you are buying will surprise and make a run in The Europa League this season.  Or better yet, maybe you'll just run into Bar Rafaeli on the streets of Tel Aviv.

That's probably worth $6M right there.

Manchester City to Play 1-1-8 Formation Next Season

I say "Forward, my friends! Forward!"
With the news today that Manchester City have signed star Paraguayan striker Roque Santa Cruz for 30M, I started thinking about the wealth of attacking options at the club.
The club literally has ten (yes, ten!) strikers on the first team. In a traditional 4-4-2 lineup, that would leave eight awfully unhappy men sitting on the bench.
City's current squad has these 10 strikers on the books: Valeri Bojinov, Craig Bellamy, Daniel Sturridge, Darius Vassell, Robinho, Jo, Ched Evans, Felipe Caicedo, Benjani Mwaruwari, and new signing Santa Cruz. Amazing.
Maybe a 1-1-8 isn't such a crazy formation after all.

I Scream, You Scream, We all Scream for Ice Cream

Popular dairy food items take precedence over Brazil - Italy playing the beautiful game
[via Off the Post]

Surprising USA Catch Egypt With Their Pants Down

Link:

"What a magnificent goal this is"

An amazing day at The Confederations Cup in South Africa. 

First, the Egyptian soccer team say they were burglarized at their hotel. Not a great endorsement of South African security for the hundreds of thousands of fans expected to flock to the World Cup there next year.

But then, a strange and embarrassing twist in the Egyptian story. The team actually did not lose their money to robbers - they lost their money to prostitutes - according to a number of local newspapers - after celebrating their historic 1-0 win over Italy.

But we're not done yet. The (perhaps tired) Egyptians get stunned 3-0 by the (previously pathetic) US National team who advance to the semifinals of the tournament in combination with Brazil's 3-0 win over Italy. A six goal swing. The most unlikely of results.

Egypt, champions of Africa, head home in disgrace. Italy, champions of the world, head home too. And the USA - a country of 300 million obsessed with that other football reaches the Final 4. Wow.

Liverpool to Sell Fernando Torres?

Bruno look alike on his way to London?

This could just be the bullshit that is British sunday papers talking - but there are various reports coming out of England that Chelsea will make an audacious bid to pry Fernando Torres from Liverpool. And that Liverpool's true financial state will be revealed over the coming weeks to be too weak to resist the offer.

Rafa Benitez is fearing the worst - as Real Madrid look to take Xabi Alonso to Spain, and Glen Johnson has yet to decide whether his future will be in a blue shirt or red shirt.

In other (somewhat) connected Liverpool financial news, George Gillett announced yesterday that he is selling the NHL's Montreal Canadiens.  

I'm not too sure who has the money to spend - and how much money they have - but you have to think that when there is smoke there is just a tiny bit of fire - and if Torres and Johnson end up at Stamford Brdige by the end of the summer, and not Liverpool - and with Ronaldo and Tevez confirmed to be out of Manchester United - you have to say that Chelsea would be the odds-on favorites going into the EPL season in August.

A New Butt Buddy...

I'm proud to announce our latest Butt Buddy Ginge Talks the Footy.

Ginge is at the forefront of the ban vuvuzelas movement on the internet, and we here at NCNB are proud to add another witty blogger to our list of buddies. It's an exclusive list, but one we are proud of - with a bunch of great sites to visit - all focused on the beautiful game.

Ginge is an Everton supporter living in the USA. He has a man crush on Tim Howard. That is all for now. Enjoy the weekend.

Brazilian Soccer Teams Won't Play in Israel

If you're a regular here - you know we sometimes cover topics that are a bit less mainstream - focusing on peace matches in the Middle East, model bar Rafaeli's love for footie, Israeli - Palestinian conflicts, and a whole lot of Yossi Benayoun.

I look at football through a lens that may be a bit different from the way others look at football - because I've seen the potential of "peace matches" on the ground level, and I've met with organizers first hand who (naively or not) truly believe that organized sport and common experiences on a football field can bring kids closer together off the field - even where their ideologies - political or religious makeups - may often be kilometers apart.

So it comes as a bit of a nuisance and perhaps a "Step back" in the proliferation of "peace matches" in the Middle East, when Brazilian soccer teams refuse to play friendly matches in Israel.

Corinthians and Flamengo will be traveling to the Middle East in November to play a friendly game in the West Bank city of Ramallah. The teams have made it clear that they will not play in Israel - only in Palestinian territories. After all the progress we have supposedly made - and with Obama and Netanyahu providing just a glimmer of hope for a peaceful two state solution in the future (however far-fetched it may actually be, at least it's up for discussion) - this strikes me as a step backwards. It just doesn't leave me with a very good feeling.

Israel's ambassador to Brazil has contacted that country's foreign ministry and explained that the country sees this as an act of ostracism, and it would be better off if the Brazilians either held two games - or even better: a joint game for Israelis and Palestinians.

At 32, Ronaldo may be past his prime, but it's not often that thousands of kids from Tel Aviv or Jerusalem get a chance to see a two time World Cup winner in action. A day they will remember for the rest of their lives. Or will they?

I am going to sleep. But only after I watch this one more time.

Eric Wynalda is Not Happy with the US National Team

Eric Wynalda was a member of a pretty nice generation of US Soccer. He helped get the country on the map from a footie sense. Along with Claudio Reyna, Brian McBride, Earnie Stewart, Tab Ramos, and some others - Wynalda was pretty legit in the 90s. Clearly, he's not too happy with the US team after their 3-0 display against Brazil, but was this really necessary?

Butt's Brain: Weekend Edition

Pirlo, prettier than RVP's wife?

Here's what's in Butt's Brain this weekend from across the footie globe. Some lazy links, transfer gossip, and Confederations Cup action for you:

• Chelsea hijack Glen Jonhson from Liverpool. The 24-year old Portmsouth man already had one disappointing spell at Chelsea, so I still think Liverpool are the preferred destination. Money talks, however. And Roman has a lot of money.

• Here are 10 footballers with less than or equal to ability to Robin van Persie. But what do these 10 guys have that RvP doesn't? Unbelievable WAGs. Peter Crouch says it best, when asked what he had been if he wasn't a professional footballer he replied, "a virgin."

• Liverpool may go 0-for-2 this week if Johnson decides to join Chelsea and they lose midfielder Xabi Alonso, who has refused to confirm that he will start next season at Anfield.

• Joe Hart, tiny dancer. The England keeper was videotaped dancing in his hotel room by teammate Nedum Onuoha. Off the Post has the scoop.

• While most US soccer fans are sick to their stomachs after watching their national team perform like a bunch of amateurs in the Confederations Cup this week - they may get a (tiny) sliver of a silver lining as it looks like defender Oguchi Onyewu is close to joining the EPL with Birmingham.

• One last word on the vuvuzelas. I understand the argument being made to keep "tradition" and "culture" in tact and not take the South Africa out of South Africa. I get it. But - correct me if I am wrong here - While fans have had access to these horns for decades, the vuvuzelas only became popular at football matches in the last 10 years. The reason? A company Masincedane Sport was set up in 2001 to mass produce them. Is it really ruining tradition or culture if I can listen to the commentary of the World Cup on television without being distracted by a "tradition" that is less than 10 years old?

RvP to Manchester United?

Manchester United are interested in Arsenal striker Robin van Persie according to reports in the British media.

I've written a ton about RvP this year - in February - I asked if he was the "Next Ronaldo," and more recently just a few weeks ago - I profiled RvP's strange love for drinking porridge through a straw - a regimen he believes will help ease his injury worries. And now, it looks like Manchester United are interested in the incredibly skillful 25-year old - just another excuse for me to drool over the Dutchman's brilliant skill bagging buckets of goals (though, judging by the photo above, he doesn't have the same skill in bagging a WAG.) 

So, yeah, it seems that RvP has yet to sign a new contract at the Emirates because he wants the Gunners to spend in the transfer market to fortify the squad. He's ambitious, and you can't deny that the lad wants to win, but I really doubt he'll end up at Manchester United. Stranger things have happened (Robinho to Manchester City) but this one just seems so unlikely.

So, is RvP right? Do Arsenal need to spend to win trophies? Or will they contend for silverware this season with their returning (and healthy) young squad one year wiser / older? Questions for you to ponder whilst I ponder why RvP can't land a fitter bird.

Breaking News: FIFA to Discuss Future of Noisy Vuvuzelas

The kids may be cute, but can we shut them up please?

Maybe our World Cup experience won't leave us with torn ear drums after all? FIFA is to discuss the future of the vuvuzela.

FIFA president Sepp Blatter said he was aware of complaints of the instrument drowning out the commentary of broadcasters and the calls to have the loud fog horn banned.

Blatter added, "It's a local sound and I don't know how it is possible to stop it."

I do Sepp - just ban vuvuzelas in the stadiums.

Breaking News: Drogba and Bosingwa Banned (Who's the Øopsvrebø now?)

Chelsea striker Didier Drogba has been banned for four Champions League matches by UEFA following his verbal assault on referee Tom Henning Ovrebo. Drogba will be suspended an additional 2 games in 2 years - bringing the total up to six games. I am good at maths.

Tom Henning Ovrebo is not a great ref, but at least he isn't a disgrace, like Drogba.

Drogba's teammate Jose Bosingwa was also banned for a couple of games - continuing to perpetuate his iconic profile as a very expensive, dirty cheater.

One Step Closer to the Start of the EPL Season...

The 2009-2010 Premier League fixtures were announced today... which means we are that much closer to the new fantasy footie season.

A brief look at some of the early fixture list highlights:

• Champions Manchester United (recent slow starters in the league) will face off against newly promoted Birmingham at Old Trafford on opening day.

• Chelsea look like they have the nicest opener of the "Big 4" with Hull at home, followed by Sunderland in week 2.

• Newly promoted Burnley, on the other hand, take on Manchester United, Chelsea, Liverpool, and Everton in their first 5. Avoid The Clarets at all costs then, but you probably knew that already...

• So - all in all - nothing too surprising - buy United and Chelsea, but don't buy Burnley. We didn't exactly need a randomized computer generated fixture list to tell us that.

Rio Ferdinand Spotted in Tel Aviv; Dressed Like Bruno

That's Rio Ferdinand, on holiday in Tel Aviv, Israel, about to dip his pita into some hummus whilst wearing a miniscule cropped top.

Ach-ya or Nish Nish?

Liverpool Overspend on Glen Johnson for £18.5m, Portsmouth Welcome Martin Cranie to the Starting Lineup

And speculation turns into fact. When there's smoke, there's fire. Just as we reported last weekend, Liverpool finally get their man Glen Johnson.

Johnson will come in as a direct replacement (and upgrade?) to Alvaro Arbeloa - who will now surely end up in Spain - perhaps even with former Premier League rival Cristiano Ronaldo at Real Madrid.

Johnson is England's number 1 right back - but as a Pompey fan, after watching him play 20-25 times over the past few seasons, I must admit, he is much better marauding down the right flank in an attacking role than he is defending. He has excellent speed and foot skills, but sometimes - it's almost like he doesn't "feel" like tracking back and covering his position. He surely can defend (he is a defender, after all) but I just wonder if he can defend at Champions League level. I think Benitez over-paid in this case, but I wish Johnson well. You can't deny someone Champions League football and the chance at a Premier League title.

Best case scenario: He is the next Gianluca Zambrotta. I watched the Italy - USA Confederations Cup match yesterday and was reminded of Zambrotta's career - brilliantly bombing up and down the right flank for both club and country - serving in pinpoint crosses and taking players on with his speed in the final third, but also tracking back and doing the dirty work when called upon. So yes, at 24 years old, Johnson still has potential, but he is not a world class defender just yet. Just a high-priced talent.

Portsmouth bought Johnson for about 4M and sold him for about 19M, and as anyone will tell you in this economy, a 5x return on your investment in under two years is always nice for the bank account.

Final few words: Since Portsmouth are in the (due diligence) process of being sold from a very rich Jew to a much richer Arab - you would think that Sulaiman Al-Fahim, the club's new owner, would do everything in his power to hold on to his top talent - rather than sell it. What does it say about the club's ambition when you sell your best player? Perhaps the offer was just too sweet in this case to refuse...

Or, even better for Portsmouth fans: maybe young England U-21 right back Martin Cranie is the real deal. Could Cranie become a fantasy footie bargain in the 2009-2010 season now that Johnson is gone? Will the former Southampton stud cement himself in the Pompey first eleven? Like most unanswered questions coming out of Fratton Park, only Sulaiman Al-Fahim knows.

Only Sulaiman Al-Fahim knows.

This will be the noisiest World Cup ever

Vuvuzela:

Noun - an elongated plastic instrument that South African football fans blow to make a loud trumpeting noise [from Zulu]

Etymology: Zulu. vuvuzela - to make a loud noise and ruin the 2010 World Cup for everybody but the locals.

Tevez to Sir Alex: Bugger Off

He's neither Ronaldo nor Kaka, but he did score 34 goals in two seasons for United. So now, Sir Alex will not only have to find a way to replace Ronaldo's 91 goals in the past three years (yes, 91 goals) but also another 34 over the previous two...
Carlos Tevez has told Sir Alex Ferguson he will not be returning to United next season after all. He is fed up with life at Old Trafford and Manchester City look the most likely destination for the Argentine.

Confederations Cup: Opening Day

No big news today on the opening day of the Confederations Cup - other than Torres scoring a hat trick - and those really really loud South African horns...

I have embedded my fantasy Confederations Cup team (Round 1) above. Not pictured, but on my bench, is a very loud Afrcan horn blower. He blows all game long and distracts my opposition.

Can you beat that star studded, Torres-led fantasy squad?

South Africa 2010: Don't Forget Your Ear Plugs!

I'm watching the South Africa - Iraq Confederations Cup match this morning and I can't help but notice the trumpeting elephant horns shrieking incessantly throughout the crowd. I'll be in Cape Town for the World Cup next year, so I'm paying close attention to every detail...

The horns are called vuvuzelas and they sound like foghorns - and are modern spin-offs of traditional instruments made from spiraling kudu horns.

The horns were once used to call people to come together from afar- so you know they're loud - because Africa is big. I assume instead of horns, Bafana Bafana fans now call each other with iPhones when they need to congregate, or just look each other up on Loopt.

But despite this advancement in GPS enabled smartphone technology for communication, the horns have found a new (loud) home in soccer stadiums - used less for congregating people from afar - and more for perforating eardrums.

Breaking News: Johnson Set for Pompey Exit

Glen Johnson set for switch to Liverpool or Chelsea, according to reports.

"There's Only one Glen Johnson!

One Glen Johnson!

He stole a toilet seat from B&Q

Johnson is England's number 2!"

Elano: You be the Judge

The jury is still out on Brazilian midfielder Elano. From a fantasy footballing perspective, the Manchester City playmaker had a superb season statistically in 2007-2008 (under Sven) but dropped off a bit under Mark Hughes this past season. And with The Confederations Cup kicking off this weekend, I've been checking out Brazil's recent results and noticed that Elano is a fixture in Brazil's starting eleven week in and week out in World Cup Qualifying alongside Kaka.

Amazing. The Elano that no one seems to want. Not Man City. Not Juventus. So strange. He's good enough to start for Brazil, but not for City.

So, what do you think? Is Elano a Premier League "Stud" - in the real or fantasy footie sense of the word? Or is he a Huffy Bicycle to a Stephen Ireland Ferrari?

The Mandatory Monthly Benayoun Post: Yossi to Barcelona?

Everyone's favorite Israeli footballer may just be on the move again. This time, though - he could end up in Barcelona.

In EPL summer transfer news that is just a tiny pimple on the shiny back of Cristiano Ronaldo's departure to Real Madrid, reports suggest that the world's best team, Barcelona, have approached Liverpool regarding the availability of midfielder Yossi Benayoun, Israel's best player.

According to the reports, it is believed that the Catalans have earmarked Yossi as a replacement for squad players Alexander Hleb and Eidur Gudjohnsen, and as a possible fall-back plan in case they fail to acquire Franck Ribery.

Yossi speaks Spanish and knows La Liga well. Before his move to England, he was the star of a Racing Santander team that eventually sold him to West Ham after he scored 21 goals for the club in three seasons, including leading the team in scoring in the 2004-2005 season - finishing on 9 goals - tied with Ronaldinho in the Top Scorers Chart that year. An excellent return for a non-striker.

So, will Yossi stay or will he go? The major news will probably affect the lives of at least dozens.

Confederations Cup: Fantasy Premier League Style

The Confederations Cup kicks off this weekend in South Africa - and there are 17 Premier League players that will be involved in the action...

So - if you need to get your Premier League footie fix over the next few weeks - you should check out this South African "dress rehearsal" for the World Cup - a quasi-important tournament that is really more about South African infrastructure at this point than it is about meaningful titles. Nevertheless, the EPL stars will be out: Fernando Torres, Xabi Alonso, Cesc Fabregas, Elano, Robinho, and everyone's favorite tiny South African Steven Pienaar - the home town hero. A nice little summer showcase.

If you're interested in playing some Confederations fantasy football - check out the World Soccer Challenge - it's free to play - and could be a fun way to monitor the 8-team tournament and challenge your friends or co-workers.

I like New Zealand to surprise in Group A and advance alongside Spain, and Brazil to go through from Group B with Italy and the US battling for second. I also think Brazil, not Spain, will take home the title.

Ronaldo May or May Not Bring Herpes with Him to Madrid

Cristiano Ronaldo celebrated his big money move to Real Madrid last night by spending the night in Los Angeles with Paris Hilton. 

I hope he wrapped it up. As we all know, going in for a 50-50 against Joey Barton is far safer than clinically finishing in that minefield of a vagina.

There Hasn't Been this Much Skill and Tactical Wizardry Showcased in Albania Since the Ottoman Empire

[via who ate all the pies]

Breaking News That Has Already Broke: Ronaldo to Madrid

In case you missed it, Manchester United have agreed to sell Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid. I live in Los Angeles, so I wake up about 10 hours later than those of you in Manchester. So, I'm 10 hours late. But, I'm well rested.

With Ronaldo's departure, either Fernando Torres or Steven Gerrard will now become the most expensive fantasy footie player in the official fantasy premier league game.

Look for Dimitar Berbatov to have a new lease on life next year. Wayne Rooney should also score 15+ goals. 

But the big questions still remain to be answered this summer: Who will be United's new penalty taker? Who will United buy to replace Ronaldo on the wing? Silva? Ribery? Antonio Valencia? Can Sir Alex win another Premier League title or return to a Champions League final without his best player? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

Tube Strike or Not, England Fantasy Stars Slay Or We Can't Play Footie But We Will Out-Live You Easily

Pretty comfortable win for a slew of EPL fantasy footie studs today as England took out Andorra (population 90,000) in WC qualifying. 6-0 final. Wayne Rooney dominated.

The people of Andorra are currently listed as having the highest human life expectancy in the world, at an average of 85 years at birth. So they have that going for them, which is nice.

Wes Brown Makes it Rain

Footballers going on holiday from a holiday. What could be better. Wes Brown played only eight of Manchester United's 38 Premier League games in the 2008-2009 season, but clearly that was enough exertion for the England right back to take a trip to Las Vegas to relax from his full season of relaxation.

The United star was spotted at the popular Las Vegas club Rain over the weekend.

Brown, a married man, who manager Sir Alex Ferguson once called "without question the best natural defender this club has had for years," will sure have a lot of defending to do when he returns to England to face his wife, Leanne.

[via 101 great goals]

If You Don't Know Who Chuck Bass is, You Should Stop Reading Now

It's a pretty slow news day (other than Kaka completing his move to Real Madrid) and this post is barely and I mean barely football related. But, if you live in the United States, and have watched either of the hit television shows Entourage (mostly for dudes) or Gossip Girl (mostly for chics) - then read on for a footie related Hollywood tale...

I live in Los Angeles. And sometimes I get invited to celebrity charity fundraisers and/or Hollywood parties. I don't work in "the business," but I have some very successful and brilliant friends who do. They pity me, and thus, they invite me.

Usually, it's taboo to approach celebrities at these parties. You don't want to be "that guy" who bothers the celebrities. So normally I just chill in the corner in my uncomfortable suit and tie and sip my Bombay & Tonics. But not this time. I recently met Ed Westwick, the star of Gossip Girl, and Julian Farino, the brilliant Entourage director.

Why did I approach these two Hollywood studs out of all the big names in the room? Well, they are English, of course. I took my chances and thought to myself. "What the fuck, they are in LA, and no one in LA knows anything about footie, I may as well humor them." And what I discovered absolutely made my night: they are both massive football fans.

Westwick loves Chelsea. He is a die hard supporter. He recently played at The Home Depot Center (home of Beckham and the LA Galaxy) in a charity soccer match. I talked to him all about Avram Grant. He wasn't a huge fan of the Israeli. Oh well. Nice enough guy and a massive Chelsea supporter.

Next was Farino, really a brilliant guy. Super nice. A lifelong Crystal Palace supporter. Loves the fans, the atmosphere, and has had a season ticket at Selhurst Park for years. I wowed him with my knowledge of Andrew Johnson's bald head, as well as British geography. We may or may not have talked Shefki Kuqi strategy, it's hard to remember after too much Bombay.

So, at the end of the day - the moral of the story for American fans is twofold.

1: If your girlfriend is obsessed with a British actor (say Jude Law or Orlando Bloom) make sure she knows her footie, because you never know when it may come in handy.

2: On those days when you start to doubt yourself, "why doesn't anyone in this fucking country love this beautiful game, why am I so obsessed with this sport? What is wrong with me?" Just know - you are not alone. The rest of the world is just like you. And it feels so good.

The Statistics Don't Lie: Fernando Torres

He may have ruined my fantasy footie season through injury and inconsistency, but at least this great article today, "How Good is Torres?" from oh you beauty confirms my gut instinct was absolutely right - when healthy, Torres is simply the best around.

[via oh you beauty]

Chelsea and Manchester United Sell Young Studs

A bit of prepubescent transfer news this weekend. Reportedly, Chelsea are selling Ben Sahar to Espanyol in La Liga. And Manchester United are selling Frazier Campbell to Hull City.

The 21-year old Campbell enjoyed a very successful loan period at the KC Stadium - scoring 15 goals for Hull in 2007-2008. With Berbatov, Rooney, Macheda, and Welbeck seemingly above Campbell in the United striking pecking order, the England U-21 international will be given the chance to impress in the Premier League with a new team. With Jimmy Bullard returning to fitness next season, and the addition of Campbell, Hull may finally have that extra bit of quality in the final 1/3 of the pitch that could make the difference between survival and relegation. A good bit of business all around here.

And just as United sell rather than buy, Chelsea are also letting go of a young attacker- Ben Sahar. Sahar was one of Chelsea's brightest prospects just a few years ago - and the talk of Israeli football- but at just 19 years old, he will not be given his chance at Stamford Bridge. On the heels of a decent loan spell in Holland (where he finished with 6 goals and 3 assists in the new year) Sahar will join Espanyol in La Liga.

Anelka, Drogba, Cole, and Kalou clearly make Sahar expendable - though with Sinclair, Stoch, and Di Santo still on the books at Chelsea - and only Stoch younger than the 19 year old Sahar - one wonders if Sahar should have stayed to fight for his place. None of those four youngsters (Sahar included) have impressed at the highest level yet, but all four are 20 years or younger so perhaps there is still some room for growth.

But Roman doesn't want to build a farm system here - he wants to win a Champions League trophy - and you don't win trophies with Stoch's and Di Santo's - you win them with Drogba's and Kaka's.

Good luck to Sahar and Campbell.

An Oldie But Goodie

This goal never gets old. Will Zlatan ply his trade in the Premier League next season?

Amazingly, Borat is Not Mentioned Anywhere on Kazakhstan's Wikipedia Entry

A nice weekend for footie addicts who have been missing out on some top class action since the FA Cup Final... World Cup Qualifying takes center stage this weekend.

We have Brazil traveling to Montevideo (hands down one of my favorite words to both pronounce and type), where they have not won in 33 years. That's a pretty amazing home field advantage - considering it's Brazil, after all. They beat everyone, everywhere. Or do they? Not Uruguay I guess. Weird.

Quick: Pop Quiz, football fans. Don't Google this. (Don't Bing it, either.) Who is # 1 in the South American WC Qualifying Group?

[scroll down]

[that was suspenseful]

Paraguay. 

Not Maradona's Argentina. Not Dunga's Brazil. But Paraguay.

Big ups to Roque Santa Cruz.

Most of you, though, will probably focus on England as they travel to Kazakhstan. The inexperienced Robert Green (only 2 caps) should start in goal. Rio Ferdinand is injured, so perhaps Upson or Lescott will start alongside John Terry at the back. Despite the goalkeeping and defensive second-stringers, England should dismantle the woeful Khazaks.

Of course, FIFA World Rankings mean next to nothing, but Khazakstan are ranked 132 in the world. England are ranked 6th. That pretty much sums it up.

This is Why You Can't Make it in Europe, Landon

Arsenal's Bendtner Better than Ibra? Ich Don't Think So

Nicklas Bendtner is at it again. Only one month ago, the Arsenal youngster boasted that he will be "among the world's best."

Today, he said "I will be better than Zlatan" within the next three years.

Ich don't think so.

United Offer $40M US to Keep Caveman

Manchester United have reportedly tabled a $40M US take-it-or-leave-it offer to the representatives of their Argentine super-sub.

Still, Tevez may decide to switch to the blue half of Manchester (where he will surely earn more money and perhaps even secure a full time starting role) - and team up with the likes of Robinho, Barry, Ireland, SWP, and Bellamy in what could be a potent attacking lineup next season...

Fun With Photoshop

[via Guardian]

Benitez to Birmingham: Amazing in Football Management Simulation Computer Games, Possibly in Real Life Too

Fantasy footie alert! Premier League new boys Birmingham have confirmed the signing of 23 year old Ecuadorian Christian Benitez from Mexican club Santos Laguna. He will be the club's most expensive signing in history, presuming he passes a medical and picks up a good old work permit.

Benitez has scored 10 goals in 17 appearances for the Ecuadorian national team. A great return. I don't need to sell you on his skills in real life because I've never seem him play.

However, a few years ago I featured Benitez prominently as a member of Wigan in the Premier League through the football management simulation game "Championship Manager."

I think I picked up Benitez when he was 17 or 18 and by the time he was 22 or 23 he was scoring 20+ Premier League goals.

I know it's just a computer simulation, but it's a very powerful computer game. So powerful in fact, that Everton FC use the same game to power a recruiting database for their scouts to check up on new talent. I'm practically an Everton scout.

So, yes, Benitez should be priced under 7.0M in the official fantasy premier league game since he will be a member of Birmingham - a team that loves to Yo-Yo up and down from the Coca Cola Championship to the Premier League - but perhaps he will be the difference that keeps the Blues up?

Computer games = real life. Yes, I am a computer geek. I was bullied at school, but I am your boss now that we are adults and you will thank me when Benitez hits for 20 goals.

Drogba the Tosser is Also a Tapper

Tosser Didier Drogba and John Obi Mikel celebrate Chelsea's FA Cup win by flicking teammate Jose Bosingwa's testicles. Bruno approves.
[via Off the Post]

I'll be in Cape Town in June 2010; But Will Tim Howard Be There?

It's very easy to navigate the treacherous waters that are the CONCACAF group stages, so yes the USA will qualify with relative ease. 
And we are almost exactly one year away from The World Cup in South Africa. I will be there, will you? 

A Last Word on Steven Cohen and World Soccer Daily

I was once a Sirius satellite radio subscriber and I used to listen to Steven Cohen and Howard Rogers a few years ago on their show World Soccer Daily on my 40 minute drive home from work. I had just moved to the US and was looking for any podcast or radio show in the US that covered the world of football. 

I happened to stumble upon Cohen and Rogers on satellite radio one day driving, and they just stuck. I had no other options and was intrigued by the "underground" following of a sport that I thought was just not popular enough in the US to command a daily radio show. I tuned in to listen to Rogers scoff at the "newbie" American callers who were just learning about "soccer-ball." 

Sometimes the show was funny. Sometimes it was stupid. It was a way to pass the time on the way home. I also tuned in to the Playboy Radio Channel, I think it was 99, for advice and tips on shagging the most beautiful babes. But I digress.

After switching coasts and changing jobs, I lost Cohen / Rogers and never really picked them back up on a regular basis. Rogers was replaced by Kenny Hassan, and the show took off. Big time football sponsors, brand name guests, and freelance correspondents have presumably made the show a success. 

I listened once in a while, and for every witty one-liner or Borat joke, which put a smile on my face for 30 seconds, there was 30-45 minutes of bullshit. Excellent bullshit for the beginner soccer fan in the US - just not for me - a kid who grew up in Tel Aviv with Ronny Rosenthal in my blood. I know the sport, at least better than some, and the BS just didn't interest me.

So, this spring, Cohen has taken a lot of heat for controversial (insensitive and factually incorrect, according to most) comments about the Hillsborough disaster. I didn't hear the comments. I didn't listen to the show. I didn't hear the apology. I'm sort of out of the loop. 

But today, I got an interesting "tip" in my inbox from fellow blogger 1-1-8. A World Soccer Daily listener (presumably in cooperation with Steven Cohen) is raising money for the show to stay on the air after sponsors ditched the show after the Hillsborough comments. Here's the e-mail and 1-1-8's hilarious comments about this "lemonade stand" style of fundraising below:

Email urging listeners to donate $ to support World Soccer Daily:

"It is with deep regret that I inform you that some of the shows sponsors have decided to drop WSD despite our efforts.  They are 4-4-2 Magazine, Fado's Irish Pub, Who Are Ya Designs and World Soccer Shop. The fight is not over though. As supporters of this show we should be boycotting these companies but more importantly WSD needs the help of the listeners to be able to stay on the air through these troubles.  I have created a fundrasier for listeners to go and make a contribution of $20 to the show in order for the show to be able to stay on."

Blogger 1-1-8's reaction. What he would rather do with his $20:

Incredible.  So, now they are asking the listeners to boycott the former sponsors...and just give the show money.  Here is a list of footie related items from Eurosport's sale rack that I could have instead of Steven's mediocre commentary about MLS.

 

20 pairs of Eurosport house brand socks.

6 Chelsea Crest Airfresheners

6 2007 USA or Mexico National Team Calendars

5 pairs of Adidas Entrada socks

5 Man United crest mousepads

3 Chelsea Michael Ballack coffee mugs (which I may actually get)

3 Umbro Cruz footballs

2 pairs of Hummel Equipo shorts

2 pairs of Chula Vista Rangers socks

2 Deluxe Linesman's flags

1 Chelsea Alarm Clock

1 Newcastle Baseball Hat

1 Locomitiv Moscow tshirt

1 Enlgand Training Shorts

1 Pair Puma Esito molded boot

1 England training top

1 Greece Match Short

1 Pumas FC away short

1 England Home short

1 Pair Liverpool slippers

1 Pair Umbro John Terry molded boots

Butt's Brain: Transfer Tuesday

A big day football news-wise has Butt's Brain crammed with excitement:

• Gareth Barry moves to City. Is Carlos Tevez next? Aston Villa will operate in the center of midfield with S. Petrov and/or Nigel Reo-Coker now, with perhaps Steve Sidwell in the mix as well - unless they can spend some cash on a Barry replacement. Petrov should get the Captain's Armband at Villa (Manager Martin O'Neill loves him and defender Martin Laursen has retired) so perhaps Petrov may see an up-tick in statistical production next year (penalties, free kicks, etc.) along with winger James Milner.

• Kaka joins Real Madrid. Maybe. Yes. No. Maybe. Yes? The Brazilian loves Jesus, but apparently he loves a long-term contract with a massive salary more. Are Madrid instant Champions League contenders? And more relevant to all of you EPL fans - does that mean Ronaldo stays at United?

• Butt buddy Benayoun considers his Liverpool future. Should he stay and fight for his place (and some silverware?) or move on and cash in elsewhere?

• Sam Allardyce signs Elrio van Heerden. Have you Heerd-en that he's a South African international just like new Blackburn teammate Benni McCarthy? Elrio van Heerden may sound like the name of Robin van Persie's Dutch dentist in Rotterdam, but no, it's actually the name of Blackburn's newest tough tackling defensive midfielder. A Tugay replacement perhaps?

CRon Has a "Good Personality"

Really, Rio?

RvP to Eat Only Porridge: Gunners Love Dickens' Novels

Arsenal stud Robin van Persie claims he will stick to "drinking porridge through a straw" this summer after he undergoes surgery to remove his wisdom teeth.

The often injured striker hopes that the oral surgery will bring an end to his constant muscle problems - citing a link between the removal of the third molar and quicker recovery time for muscle injuries.

I've had my wisdom teeth removed, and though I don't know much about medicine, I am positively sure of two things. 1: Van Persie is about as durable as a carton of eggs dropped from the Eiffel Tower and 2: If he goes through with the surgery, he will surely get dry sockets.

A few months ago, Van Persie quit eating meat for the same reason - he thought it would help his muscles recover quicker from injury, despite the fact that every layperson knows elite sportsmen need protein for muscle strength, and thus need meat.

So, to summarize: Arshavin looks exactly like Oliver Twist and RvP is crazy, and thus will only eat porridge. I feel like I'm living in a Charles Dickens novel.