Is Ancelotti the Answer? Chelsea Look to Champions League with New Manager

Is Ancelotti the answer? Chelsea's new Italian manager, Carlo Ancelotti will be tasked with one goal and one goal only: to with The Champions League. He will be Chelsea's 5th manager in 2 years.

The appointment comes on the heels of the relative success of Guus Hiddink's temporary stay in charge - the failure of Luiz Felipe Scolari's stint, and the "what if John Terry didn't slip" tenure under Avram Grant.

The pieces are in place for Ancelotti to succeed in Europe - though he would love a Ribery or perhaps a Xabi Alonso to help him and Chelsea along the way - it will be interesting to see what pieces he brings in from a squad standpoint to help lead the European charge.

Will he bring beautiful football to the Bridge? Will he run the team through Lampard? Will he keep Drogba alongside Golden Boot winner Anelka? Will his English grammar be better than Scolari's? The question marks will be answered this summer, and I'm sure fantasy managers and fans of the Premier League in general, like me, just can't wait to find out.

Chelsea Win FA Cup as Black Sheep Malouda Stars

He was the best player on the pitch for me today. No, not Yuri Zhirkov. But Florent Malouda. The French international winger gave Tony Hibbert, Everton's right back, a nightmare of a match - so much so that Hibbert was substituted at half time. Malouda also scored a clear goal that was unjustly not recognized, and combined with Ashley Cole brilliantly. 

I have no idea why Yuri Zhirkov is needed at Stamford Bridge - but I guess "depth" is the word of the day - Manchester United had depth in the squad this year- and perhaps with Zhirkov - Chelsea will be that much richer. 

So, Chelsea win their 5th FA Cup. They dominated. Lampard with the game winner. A nice send-off win for their Dutch master Hiddink.  

But the big news for me was the play of Malouda. If he can keep this form going into next season, and keep Zhirkov out of the lineup, he will be one of the best wingers in the league. Easily on par with Ashley Young. His performance today was top class.

Chelsea, Everton, Boobs

Have a good weekend. Good luck to those betting on the FA Cup Final tomorrow. Video NSFW.

Premier League Predictions Revisited: Part II

On Tuesday we published Part I of our Premier League Predictions: Revisited column covering 2008, and here's part II - covering 2009.

The Good:

"De Jong Not Worth It, No goals assists or bonus, Just Like Nicky Butt." A spot on haiku about the massively overpaid Dutchman. De Jong failed to impress after a January transfer move from Hamburg.

"I once read that in Slovakia, Skrtel does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people just move... I expect the scary looking Slovak to cement his place alongside Jamie Carragher." The inventor of dyslexia Skrtel started 11 consecutive Premier League games spanning January, February, and March, and picked up 44 points - or 4 points per game, a superb defensive return.

"Beattie should partner Ricardo Fuller up front. My guess is that Beattie will be priced around 5.5M to 6.0M when introduced into the Premier League fantasy game. Beattie is Sheffield United's penalty taker -  and has scored 34 goals in the past 1.5 years in the Championship. 34 goals!" Everyone doubted Beattie on his return to top flight football, but the budget option was a revelation. Next year, he will be priced around 7M in the fantasy premier league game after his superb 2009.

The Bad:

"Classified in the past only as "a malnourished boy reminiscent of Oliver Twist," or "second striker/attacking midfielder from Leningrad, the (actually old but young looking) Russian will probably feature in a "free role" supporting RvP and/or Adebayor at Arsenal and thus will frustrate fantasy managers who select the short, skinny, twinkle toed playmaker as an out and out striker." Arshavin was mis-classified in the fantasy premier league game as a striker. I figured this would hurt his production. I was wrong. However, Arshavin's biggest games always came when RvP / Adebayor / Cesc were NOT in the lineup. He took over in those games. In his last two games of the year, with both Cesc and RvP healthy and controlling the offense, Arhsavin put up scores of only 1 pt and 2 pts despite Arsenal scoring 4 goals over those two matches. I wonder how he will fare next year, and whether or not he will be classified correctly.

The Ugly:

"Arshavin to Arsenal. This is a non-story from a fantasy perspective, in my opinion." FAIL.

Eureka! Yuri, The Farmer, Joins Roman's Army

Bored Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich may have lost a $500,000 yacht a few weeks ago in a game of poker, but it looks like he still has some cash reserves left over in his 1.55% APY HSBC online savings account (or equivalent). The Russian billionaire has called for reinforcements to his London army - and has snapped up a farmer, Yuri Zhirkov, from CSKA Moscow. Zhirkov has been called the "Russian Ronaldinho," hopefully for his dribbling skills and audacity and not his love for eating donuts and pies.
Chelsea are reported to have finalized the capture of the Russian international in a deal worth about $30M US. The Chelsea left back / left midfielder now takes his place as the newest "famous Yuri" in the pantheon of famous Russian Yuri's: Yuri Gagarin was the first ever human in outer space (suck on that Neil Armstrong) and Yuri Milner (no relation to James) just dropped $200M into everyone's favorite website, Facebook, this week (suck on that Myspace).
Putting Soviet Cosmonauts and Mark Zuckerberg's fellator aside and looking at Chelsea's lineup, Yuri's signing seems solid but a bit strange to me in terms of timing.
Ashley Cole is only 28 years-old and is firmly planted as Chelsea's # 1 left back. Yuri, presumably, will be asked to feature in a left midfield role. Now, last season, this signing could have been seen as a brilliant move - as Chelsea had problems on the wing - but are those problems now solved with the emergence of Malouda and the return of Joe Cole from injury? Is Yuri the answer?
Florent Malouda has been a general disappointment at Stamford Bridge after his big money move just two seasons ago, but showed consistency and quality all spring and was one of Chelsea's top performers in 2009. Joe Cole was once considered to be the answer to England's left winger problem, and at only 27, still has a lot to show. Salomon Kalou is probably not the long term answer, but does provide the club with depth, and at 23 years old, is still improving. 
You can never have too much firepower (Berbatov - Tevez - Rooney - Ronaldo are the prime example) or competition for places, but can you have too many wingers? This season at Chelsea, we'll find out.
Our Russian farmer Yuri is not a clinical finisher - on international level at least - with zero goals in 30 appearances for Russia. The 25 year old can attack and defend, however, which will probably be enough to steal a starting spot from Malouda - who will surely find himself on the outside looking in next season despite a great end to 2009.
Yuri is from Tambov, Russia. A city famous for one of the largest and well organized peasant rebellions in the early 1900's. If Kalou, Malouda, and Cole lose their place to Chelsea's new Tambovian import and find themselves on the bench, we may just see another rebellion brewing in 2010.

Sir Alex Juggling Drunk

Can we just discuss for one second Sir Alex Ferguson's playing career. Just for one second. I know he retired before I was even born, and I know today is a day to celebrate Barcelona not Manchester United, but I got this clip in my inbox and couldn't resist looking up Sir Alex's playing statistics.

170 goals in 317 appearances. An amazing return. 

Judging by the above video, you'd think Ferguson "scored" every one of those goals off of his shin. Just an absolutely terrible touch or two for the managerial legend. I mean, terrible.

But give the man some credit. He's 67 years old. And Carlton Cole, in the prime of his career at 25 years old, has the same trapping ability.

So. We haven't accomplished much. Apologies. Ferguson 2009 edition > Carlton Cole 2009 edition. Now back to Lebron.

Torres & Ireland Sign New Footballing (and Marriage) Contracts

Contract extensions, and contracts in general, are a funny beast. They can take off the pressure (when it comes to employment, or renewing an apartment lease, perhaps) or pile on the pressure - when you sign on the dotted line and agree to marry a Ukrainian bride you've never met before.

Luckily for studs Stephen Ireland and Fernando Torres, they are focusing less today on smuggling in mail order brides from Brazil to exercise off the pitch and more on finalizing contract extensions with their respective clubs Manchester City and Liverpool, to continue sweating on the field.

The 22 year-old Ireland has inked a deal today with the club that will keep him at Eastlands until at least 2014 whilst Torres will be at Liverpool until at least 2013.

It's been a busy week for Fernando on the negotiation front - just yesterday Torres married 23 year-old Olalla Dominguez.

No word yet on Torres' prenuptial contract but at least we do know that Dominguez was not of the mail order variety. She is Fernando's childhood sweetheart.

Cute.

Perfect Aim

Peace in the Middle East: Portsmouth Sold From Jew to Arab

A deal has finally been brokered between Israelis and Arabs. Portsmouth FC have been sold from Israeli Alexandre Gaydamak to Arab Sulaiman Al-Fahim.

Al-Fahim, a real estate billionaire, has been nicknamed the "Donald Trump" of Abu Dhabi. The 32-year old will take over a club in dire need of some investment, and the task will be considerably more difficult than producing a season or two of The Apprentice. With 16 players out of contract, and not much global star power (outside of the freakish feet-stick-out-the-bed skills of England international Peter Crouch), one can only assume that Al-Fahim will go on a buying spree.

Perhaps the Lamborghini driving United Arab Emirates resident will continue to sow the seeds of peace between Israelis and Arabs by bringing in former Chelsea manager Avram Grant to take over for interim manager Paul Hart. Or maybe he'll over-spend for Liverpool's creative Israeli midfielder Yossi Benayoun.

As of press time, neither the Obama administration nor Benjamin Netanyahu could be reached for comment.

The. Day. Is. Here.

A Manchester United fan has already been stabbed in Rome. Prince William will be in the crowd. The two greatest footballers on the planet will square off. An exciting day all around. 

I don't recommend sports betting, I just participate in it - so here are a few odds for those of you looking to take a punt on one of the two best teams in Europe.

Barcelona is the + 150 favorite with United at + 155 and a regular time draw at + 210.

Ronaldo and Rooney both to score is a fun + 975. 

No odds are listed for a Berbatov slow rolling penalty miss.

Ronaldo on Ronaldo.

Ronaldo on Ronaldo.

[via Off the Post and Dirty Tackle] 

Premier League Predictions Revisited: Part I

Hungarian women raced to the Fantasy Premier League finish line with varying physiques and varying success rates

Let's go month by month and revisit some of our premier league predictions. The good, the bad, and the ugly. In part I, we look at predictions from 2008. In part II, we'll look at 2009. Here's part I.

September / October

The Good: 

"Cole is cheap (5.5M) and Dean Ashton is made of glass. Carlton Cole is made of bonus points. Pick Cole." Cole scored a career high 10 EPL goals this season.

"Expect Hull's recent superb form to come to a crashing halt." 27/10/2008. Hull barely survive.

"3% owned Alvaro Arbeloa looks set to continue his run in the side with little fear of rotation. Could be a great alternative to Carvalho owners looking to save money as they pursue Ronaldo." Arbeloa became a fixture at right back under Rafa and scored more points per game (4.2M) this year than John Terry, Ashley Cole and Ricardo Carvalho.

"You have been warned. Arsenal's season looks over in October, but at least they have the youngsters in the Carling Cup."  04/10/2008. Arsenal win nothing, again.

The Bad:

"Pick of the litter is "defender" Vincent Kompany. Like American Clinton Dempsey last year, his role on the field is different than his listed position. Kompany will find his way into the attack and earn defenders' scoring (4 pts.) for clean sheets." Kompany finished the season as City's highest scoring defender, but only averaged 3 points per game.

The Ugly: 

"A Zaki/Alves long term strike force could turn up to be the value play of the season." Not.

November / December

The Good:

"We at Never Captain Nicky Butt think Bellamy should be on your shortlist at 6.4MM." 3 goals in December and another 3 goals in January. Perfect timing by Stepovers Anonymous.

"Ashley Young won't come close to last year's 8 goal and 17 assist campaign this year." Young finished with 7 goals and 9 assists (153 points). The similarly priced replacement we offered to you was Dirk Kuyt. Kuyt finished with 12 goals and 8 assists (193 points).

The Bad:

"The real question, naturally, rests with Ronaldo. Should managers give the stud the Captain's Armband, even away from home at a Big 4 club? I think the answer is yes." Ronaldo and United lost that match 2-1 at Arsenal, and Cristiano did absolutely nothing away from Old Trafford all season.

The Ugly:

On David Bentley: "Blogger One-One-Eight is still holding on to the England wide player and thinks he will come good after a season of massive disappointment. "He'll come good because he sees so much of the ball," remarked the Wealth Management Analyst turned fantasy footie philosopher." Bentley may have scored the strike of the season against Arsenal in October, but that was the only goal of the year for the former stud selection.

Burnley's Players are all probably worth 4.0 Million

Happy holiday. Congrats to Burnley for booking a spot in the top flight for the first time since 1976. 

The Clarets are up and Newcastle, Boro, and WBA are down. 

We'll have plenty of fresh faces to scout this summer and plenty of potential studs and duds to discuss.

For now, enjoy The Champions League final this week and look out for our season review commentaries coming soon.

Thanks to all of our readers for a great season of support and witty comments.

Sack up, Kid.

Did his club just get relegated or did he just spill his Coca-Cola on the ground?

Tomorrow can't come soon enough. Relegation battles. Simultaneous kick-offs. Beer. Swan songs for the likes of Hyypia and perhaps half (or more) of WBA's first 11 - who will never play another Premier League game in their lives.

And I'm visiting Chicago with Stepovers Anonymous catching all the action bright and early. If anyone is in the area - come meet us at The Globe (I think?) for some Manchester Meatloaf or just a traditional English breakfast. I'll probably be in a Pompey jersey.

Good luck to all relegation battle supporters & fantasy footie managers on the season's final day. And a happy and safe holiday weekend to those celebrating Memorial Day.

Funny Feeling Friday: Martin Petrov

Our last funny feeling friday of the season - City's Martin Petrov. One of my favorite studs in 2007-2008 is finally back from a long injury layoff.

He's owned by only 2% of fantasy managers, but could combine with Ireland to put a few past Bolton in Robinho and Bellamy's absence this weekend.

5 goals and 11 assists last year for the Bulgarian, a great return. Perhaps Petrov can find some form and stay healthy in the off-season to come back strong in 2009-2010. Who knows.

He may be unpopular, or under the radar, or whatever, but he's still class, and has some pace, and Bolton have a pretty lead-footed side. I can see him getting 'round the back and swinging in some nice balls.

Good luck to all fantasy managers this weekend.

EPL Gameweek 38 Fantasy Preview: It's Been a Hull of a Ride

Let's get the Dean Windass jokes out of the way and get right to some fantasy footie. I'm going to stray from our usual format this week and instead end the fantasy footie season in a stream of consciousness style... 

I apologize but there is just too much on my professional/personal plate this evening to delve deeply into the top matches of the week and preview this week's results and tactics - so instead I'll stick with a longer version of our usual "Studs and Duds" section as the main body of work. I will also predict a "Best Eleven" for the week.

Good luck to all fantasy managers this weekend. This blog has had a decent first season - we even reached ~ 1,000 daily visitors last week (thanks Tom Henning Ovrebo!) - our highest traffic to date - and we hope for a great summer of transfer rumors and EPL fun - so stick with us over the summer months. I'll surely follow up in the next few weeks with a "Season Review" blog posting or two (or three, or four) and if you have any ideas for next season, please do email us at nevercaptainnickybutt [at] gmail [dot] com.

Studs and Duds: Let's start with Hull and United. Everyone's favorite talking point. Ronaldo scored two in this season's reverse fixture, a 4-3 United win. Will he even feature in this one? Will he convince Sir Alex to give him 30 or 45 minutes of action & a chance at the golden boot? Who knows. But United's starting lineup are obviously duds. Just as we mentioned last week, avoid investing in United at all cost. If you need to replace Rooney and Evra - look at Anelka and Ashley Cole - studs traveling to Sunderland. If you want to take a chance on second string United studs doing the business and sending Hull down to the Championship - you could do worse than taking a punt on the cheap prodigy Macheda or cheap veteran Darren Fletcher.

Looking at the top of the table and Arsenal promise quite a few studs this weekend. Arshavin, Fabregas, Nasri, and RvP are all worthy of investment - and perhaps even the Captain's Armband - against a safe Stoke team. Stoke studs turned duds James Beattie and Ricardo Fuller face an uphill battle on the road - but that battle just got a little easier as Vitto Mannone (4.5M) is set to start for the Gunners in goal. Fabianski and Almunia are injured, so the 21-year old Italian Mannone will do his best to keep out Beattie and Fuller. Arsenal stud defenders Sagna and Toure still look good, but their jobs just got a bit tougher...

Let's look at some of those players that straddle the stud/dud fence this week. Aston Villa take on a relegation threatened Newcastle without former studs Ashley and Luke Young. James Milner, another former stud, is now playing right back - and looks a poor selection if he continues in that role this week. Michael Owen is in a race to be fit for the AV trip, but the cheaper Obafemi Martins (6.6M) and Mark Viduka (7.3M) look more likely to cause Villa trouble. Lastly, my favorite lap dance receiving stud (literally), John Carew, may miss Ashley Young's service, but should be the focal point of Villa's attack. He's leaning to the stud side of the fence, then whilst Milner and A. Young fall onto the dud side.

Manchester City love playing at home, so go with Ireland (and maybe the cheap Bojinov as a surprise stud?) this weekend. Blackburn and WBA have nothing to play for, so expect goals in that one. WBA will be looking to put on a show before packing their bags for the Coca Cola Championship. Brunt and Fortune, as usual, are the recommendations. I expect a tight affair between Fulham and Everton - perhaps one goal for each side - so regular studs Schwarzer and Baines are downgraded to the stud/dud fence. Proceed with caution.

Lastly, Liverpool want to finish the season in style in front of their home fans and their studs - Torres, Gerrard, Kuyt, and Benayoun - could put a few past the in-form Tottenham defense.

EPL Gameweek 38 Best Eleven:

GK: Given

D: A. Cole - Carragher - G. Johnson

M: Gerrard - Lampard - Fabregas - Ireland - Brunt

F: Anelka - RvP

A Milky Way is not a Snickers bar. Coffee is not Juice. Women, in general, do not know very much about cars.

Today, The Premier League's official website led with, "Fulham's Mark Schwarzer is the leading fantasy goalkeeper."

If you need that advice, you probably aren't winning any mini-leagues.

Newcastle News: The Good, Bad, and Ugly

Ian Dowie, or Sloth from The Goonies?

Everyone's favorite "big" club, Newcastle United F.C., still have work to do to avoid an embarrassing relegation.

And today, Newcastle fans received some good news and some bad news. Which one do you want first?

The Good: Michael Owen is fit for what could be his last Newcastle game.

The Bad: Central defensive stud Sebastien Bassong failed in his appeal against a red card issued to him last weekend against Fulham, and will miss the trip to Aston Villa.

The Ugly: Assistant manager Ian Dowie. Pictured above.

Tevez Confirms Exit: United Fans, Get Over It

Rooney kicks Tevez out of the starting lineup, and out of Manchester

Fan favorite Carlos Tevez said today that he will not play for Manchester United next season and has accused the club of showing him a lack of respect.

Like many others, I have followed Tevez since World Cup 2006 - when he burst onto the international scene and displayed a fearless, always moving, if not always graceful, battling style. Not a typical Argentine - in the Messi or Riquelme mode when it comes to technique - but a successful style nonetheless.

I watched him combine with Benayoun to save West Ham. I watched him move to United and become a fan favorite.

He's a great player, but I just don't understand what the big deal is with his imminent departure from the club. I just don't get the emotion and pleading coming from United fans crying over the potential loss of their favorite troglodyte. And protesting outside of Old Trafford. Get over it.

Tevez's rights are owned by Iranian businessman Kia Joorabchian - a man who was the subject of an international arrest warrant for money laundering - and clearly brought Tevez to both West Ham and Manchester United in, shall we say, a "shady" manner.

Of course - Tevez is an excellent player - and he hustles, but with Berbatov / Rooney / Ronaldo leading the line - and Macheda, Frazier Campbell, Manucho, and Danny Welbeck all on the books - United fans have nothing to worry about. The money has been spent on Berbatov and his sexy, receding widow's peak, and what's done is done.

Football, today, is a business. Out of all the fans in the world - you'd think United fans would be most aware of that fact: their shirt sponsor is AIG (football is a business) - they are owned by an "evil" and "foreign" American who exploits them (football is a business) (and brings them a Champions League title and three straight league titles), they have the most famous, petulant, expensive player in the world who may or may not want to move to Real Madrid (football is a business).

It's a business, people. You have the best team in the world. Enjoy it. Celebrate the league title. Look forward to a Champions League final. So, you lose a Tevez, but you'll gain a Macheda or a Welbeck. At the end of the day, Tevez (as a Cro-Magnon man) may have a larger brain capacity than Berbatov - but he just doesn't have the same silky touch.

Advantage widow's peak.

Golden Boot Fantasy Conspiracy Theories

According to Jamie Redknapp, Ronaldo is into "individual awards" and will be pressuring Sir Alex Ferguson this week because he will want the golden boot for the EPL's top scorer. Obviously. But will Sir Alex listen to C-Ron?

Ronaldo's competitor, Nicolas Anelka, is more likely to feature for the full 90 minutes against Sunderland as Chelsea hope to sneak into 2nd place over Liverpool (incredibly unlikely but possible with a comfortable win over Sunderland and a Tottenham upset at Liverpool.)

So, fantasy managers, what do you think? Will Ronaldo play - even for only 45 minutes - and score against Hull?

Prepare for a week of rest and rotation - and drastically different lineups - as about 75% of the teams in the EPL have nothing to play for.

More updates and our last weekly picks column of the season, of course, on Thursday. My personal team has surpassed the 2,000 point barrier for the 4th year in a row - but is stuttering to the finish line - my worst year in 4 years.

Nevertheless, my "weekly picks" have looked pretty good this spring - perhaps there is an inverse correlation to my actual squad - and last week's choices (3 clean sheets at the back, 3 goals and 2 assists from the attackers) were particularly spot-on. 

So, I hope I have at least offered a few interesting selections or possible transfers this season, and broke some relevant news, whilst doing it all with a bit of humor and good fun. 

Ronaldo: Goal of the Season

The league is all wrapped up, and Ronaldo may or may not get a chance to win the Golden Boot - he should be rested against Hull before the Champions League final - unless he has some amazing persuasive powers over Sir Alex Ferguson.
Nevertheless, the video above shows a happy and relaxed Ronaldo accepting his award for "Goal of the Season," and of course, also shows the replay of his screamer in Portugal.

Champions.

Manchester United clinches 3rd straight Premier League title.

Next week, I look to clinch a 4th straight fantasy Premier League title.

The similarities end there.

Congrats to United.

Funny Feeling Friday: Carlton Cole

He's been out over two months and faces a tough Everton this week and a battling Boro next week, so why do I still have a funny feeling about West Ham's leading scorer, Carlton Cole?

Who knows. But what is clear is this - the 25 year old stud striker is back in the squad and looking to start this weekend after a two-month layoff with a groin problem.

This season has been a "breakout" year for Cole - who, like Stephen Ireland, has finally come of age. And sitting on 9 goals - he'd clearly love to hit double digits for the first time in his Premier League career. Footballers (strikers, especially) love personal goal milestones, and surely Cole is no different.

Thus, I think it will be the cheap Cole (5.8M) who finds the back of the net either this week or next, and takes his season tally up to 10. Tristan and Di Michele may still get plenty of minutes, and a goal or two themselves, but Cole is the man amongst boys for Zola's forward line, and my hunch is that he'll find his way these last two weeks.

Good luck to all managers this weekend.

EPL Gameweek 37 Fantasy Preview: Everyone Drop Wayne Rooney, Now!

Wayne Rooney in his preferred attire for GW 38 against Hull

Well, it's all over. At the top of the table at least. Despite Liverpool's valiant efforts, Manchester United have done it again. Kudos to them, I guess.

But for fantasy footie managers (and EPL teams at the bottom of the table), the season is still very much alive. So we have some work to do. Let's take a look at the second to last week of the season and preview (I) the best match from a neutral's point of view (II) the most fantasy friendly match (III) an analysis of stud and dud performers and (IV) a prediction of the week's best eleven.

I. Arsenal @ Manchester United: Arsenal will look for some revenge after losing in the Champions League semifinal - and correct me if I'm wrong - but I think United have never faced Arshavin. So there's a bit of motivation there and a bit of extra class that could at least delay United's celebrations until the final game of the season.

But, the way the ball has bounced United's way this season (see Macheda's late heroics against Aston Villa as one example), I just can't imagine that Sir Alex's troops won't be able to muster at least a point to win the title at Old Trafford.

Arsenal will be without Gallas, Clichy, and Almunia - so United should be able to score. A few.

Let's look at the fantasy implications. Ronaldo (selfishly) is still gunning for the golden boot - and thus will look to cause some damage. Rooney should play - but with Tevez and Berbatov featuring prominently against Wigan in central areas - and Rooney playing in wide positions the last few games - his production could be limited. Couple that with the fact that Rooney will almost certainly be benched against Hull in the final week of the season and I strongly urge against acquiring the hot-headed super stud. In fact, I would drop him. United play Hull on Sunday May 24th and then play Barcelona in Rome three days later, on May 27th. Rooney will not feature against Hull.

Most (competitive) fantasy managers feature 2 or 3 United players - but that number should be reduced as they wrap up the title this weekend and fantasy footie managers look to gameweek 38. I can see Arsenal scoring a consolation goal - so getting rid of one of Evra or Rooney this week (two very popular selections) could go a long way to ensuring a strong team is put out in week 38 without taking too many transfer point deductions. Just my two cents. 

Prediction: 2 - 1 Manchester United

II. Blackburn @ Chelsea: Blackburn are safe and Chelsea want to end the season on a high note as they look to pick up silverware in the FA Cup final against Everton. And just as I mention getting rid of Wayne Rooney up above - I must mention the obvious replacement, the in-form Nicolas Anelka...

Anelka is cheaper than Rooney and is still gunning for the golden boot. He trails Ronaldo by one goal. Anelka has Blackburn and Sunderland in his final two fixtures. Not too difficult. He's been known as a "mercenary" in his career- devoid of passion, a hired gun, whatever. He's featured for PSG, Real Madrid, Liverpool, Arsenal, Manchester City, Fenerbahce, Bolton, and Chelsea. That's quite an impressive list. He's never won a golden boot, and at 30 years old this is probably his last chance. Say what you will about his lack of emotion but he can score goals. And I expect him to have plenty of opportunities this weekend as Sam Allardyce parks the Blackburn team bus and plays some very defensive, long-ball football.

There are opportunities elsewhere for investment in Chelsea. Blackburn have gone 497 minutes without a goal against Chelsea in the league, so Cech, Alex, and Ashley Cole look great alternatives for Evra owners looking to make a late move. (Continuing with the United to Chelsea fantasy allocation theme this week).

In the midfield, Lampard and Malouda are your men. I expect Chelsea to win comfortably.

Prediction: Chelsea 3 - 0

III. Studs and Duds: I mentioned investment in Chelsea and cautious divestiture of United's toxic assets, but let's move on and take a look at the bottom of the table - where teams still have something to fight for, but first let's look at our good buddies at Wigan who almost extended our EPL season one more week... 

Big kudos to cheap stud Hugo Rodallega - who picked up 2 goals in 2 matches last week. Fellow blogger Stepovers Anonymous brought him in last week - a great pick. Amazingly, Hugo had never scored in 11 Premier League games before this week. Not one goal. Not one assist. Not one bonus point. 

But this week the Colombian picked up 2 goals and 2 bonus points to earn stud status. He was helped by the fact that Mido was not in the lineup and his first goal took a wicked deflection and was quite a fluke. He did outmuscle Vidic though for his second goal, and deserved it. Nevertheless, I don't think he's a stud this week. Stoke are good at home, Mido should be back in the lineup, and Wigan - as I mentioned last week - don't have much to play for. Managers who went "all in" and brought in Wigan players last week shouldn't expect much, and Wigan players straddle the stud/dud fence for me. Rodallega could be a good pick-up next season though as long as he starts the year priced under 6.5M and is a guaranteed starter.

Ok, here are some bottom of the table studs and duds: Portsmouth's Belhadj is 4.0M and has Sunderland and Wigan in his last two. Not bad. A stud, then, if he continues to feature in the midfield from his "Defender" classification. Newcastle have Martins (stud) at home in another must win game, while their opponents Fulham have some cheap stud options in Nevland (4.7M) and Kamara (5.5M) and are fighting for a European place. WBA face Liverpool so last week's studs Brunt and Fortune turn to duds this week. 

Other names that could surprise as studs after a few weeks of laying low are Keane and Defoe for Tottenham (at home and still pushing for Europe) and Everton's Cahill and Jo - neither have scored in over a month, but both have too much quality not to be involved somehow at home to West Ham.

IV. EPL Gameweek 37 Best Eleven:

Cech

Arbeloa - Shawcross - Baines

Ronaldo - Lampard - Gerrard - A. Young - Lawrence

Anelka - Defoe

Game, Set, Match

Ronaldo massages Cattermole's jellybelly

Nothing much to say, really. Today could be a sad day not only for Liverpool fans but also for neutrals looking forward to a tight Premier League finish.

If (when) United beat Wigan in a few hours, Sir Alex's men will need only a draw from their remaining two matches (Arsenal & Hull) to secure the EPL title.

In related news, the petulant Ronaldo leads the sulking Anelka by just one goal (18 - 17) in the race for the Golden Boot. Perhaps this explains Cristiano's annoyance at being substituted early against Manchester City. I expect the Portuguese winger to add to his total today.

Good luck to all Wigan-owning fantasy footie managers who walked the plank and took the Wigan plunge, against my best warnings. I'm Wigan-free, but as a neutral, still rooting hard for a Latics win.

United to Face Wigan with a Banged Up Back Line whilst the Latics Lose a Keeper

John O'Shea, happy to find out he may start in central defense.

It ain't over till it's over. Liverpool continue dismantling teams as we approach the finish line - but just as in WBA's case - it may be too little, too late despite United's fresh injury problems.

Rio Ferdinand has a calf problem and super (cheap) fantasy sub Jonny Evans has a bit of a hamstring problem.

John O'Shea is set to play in central defense if both men are ruled out.

O'Shea has had a good season for United - employed in a number of different positions across the back line - he has proved useful and quality - confident on the ball - and amazingly, the 28 year old has notched 50 appearances this campaign - only the second time he has reached the 50 appearances mark in his now eleven years at the club.

As a neutral, I hope Wigan can pull off a shock victory and extend the title race - but that task will be increasingly difficult, as stud fantasy goalkeeper Chris Kirkland is unlikely to feature.

Kirkland has a back injury and could be replaced by either Mike Pollitt or Richard Kingson. Wayne Rooney will be licking his lips.

Oba Out: Are You Fernando Torres in Disguise?

A bit of fantasy premier league "rewind" this morning. Just last week it was the amazing and annoying late (very late!) news that Fernando Torres would not feature in Liverpool's home thrashing of Newcastle after pulling out just hours before the match with injury.

And today - the late, late, late injury news strikes us again. Of course, it's too late to change our fantasy footie lineups - but news has emerged that Obafemi Martins' groin will keep him out of Newcastle's biggest match in decades.

Yes, I owned Fernando last week.

Yes, I own Obafemi this week.

No, I am not bitter.

But please, I beg of you - managers / journalists / other information purveyors - can you just have the decency to break this injury news to us (the mainstream, fantasy footie addicted public) before our deadline? Say, on Thursday? Or even Friday?

Does it really have to wait until we've already made our gameweek transfers?

Just another example of the tense, emotional love / hate relationship that envelops us in this beautiful (fantasy) game.

Benayoun First Name on Torres' Team Sheet

Unfortunately, Rafa picks the team, not Fernando. But some nice praise nonetheless for my fellow countryman.

Funny Feeling Friday: Fletcher

He's owned by only 3% of fantasy footie managers, but Manchester United's Darren Fletcher is this week's "funny feeling." 

I choose Fletcher only because a) he's so cheap at 5.0M and b) whenever teams stock up on attacking players for double gameweeks (Rooney, Ronaldo this week or Kranjcar, Crouch in the past, etc.) it's usually an unheralded midfielder or unexpected scorer who often does the damage and grabs the headlines.

Fletcher is one of those guys. You can't expect much from the 25-year old Scotland international, after all, he only has 3 EPL goals this season, but you just never know - he could come up with that perfect pass: a game-winning assist - or even better, a lucky goal.

If you need to downgrade a more expensive midfielder (the injured Alonso for example) in order to upgrade your team elsewhere, Fletcher may just be a good "downgrade" down the stretch.

Good luck to all fantasy managers this weekend.

EPL Gameweek 36 Fantasy Preview: Tom Henning Ovrebo to Ref Wigan Matches..

Relax, Ovrebo haters. It's a new day and thus our focus shifts from the Champions League to the Premier League. Let's jump on Wigan's and Manchester United's bandwagons and look at this weekend's action: (I) the best match from a neutral's perspective (II) the most fantasy footie friendly game (III) an analysis of stud and dud performers and (IV) a predicted weekly best eleven.

I. Manchester City @ Manchester United: City are on a roll and still have a reasonable shot at a Europa League spot. The spring weather is here - and Robinho's attacking production has returned. 3 goals in 3 games and five bonus points in his last two matches - great success!

But United are still the team to beat despite City's good form. Let's take a closer look at Sir Alex Ferguson's squad - who have booked a spot in the Champions League final and now just need to hold off Liverpool's late surge to win another Premier League title...

Manchester United play on the 10th (M City) the 13th (Wigan) and the 16th (Arsenal), so Sir Alex will surely freshen up the side and rotation could hurt managers who are banking on huge point totals this "double gameweek." Neither Tevez nor Berbatov started in the Champions League this week, so one or both should face off against City this weekend. Rio Ferdinand definitely can't play three games in six days - so the cheap Jonny Evans (4.2M) could be the beneficiary against Wigan - easily the weakest attacking team of the aforementioned three opponents.

I would not be surprised if the 21 year old Evans outscores Ferdinand this gameweek with Rio picking up 2 points against City while the cheap Evans secures the 6 point clean sheet. But enough of the guessing games - who will play twice? Who knows...

What we do know is this - Rooney and Ronaldo are playing very well - and should be at the heart of United's attacking displays. Taking a fantasy footie punt on the cheaper Berbatov or Tevez may pan out, but it sure is a risky move. If Liverpool lose to West Ham on Saturday, of course, Sir Alex will have an easier time resting top players.

We also know this - Manchester City have been terrible on the road - but did beat Everton in their last away game.

So what should we expect? Elano, Ireland, and Robinho are in form - and should be able to at least worry United's defense. Shay Given is a brilliant shot-stopper, so United won't score a fluke 5 like they did in their last Premier League home game against Tottenham. A narrow victory providing little fantasy rewards could be in store then.

Prediction: 2 - 1 Manchester United

II. Wigan @ West Brom: This is a more symbolic "F U" to the fantasy premier league gods as I'm still not over my Fernando Torres acquisition nor am I over the fact that I captained Mark Schwarzer during Fulham's double gameweek and Niko Kranjcar during Portsmouth's. Bad luck and worse management. So, I am choosing West Brom as the most "fantasy friendly" team this weekend just because I expect everyone to stock up on Wigan players and proverbially walk themselves off the plank into the pirate-laden ocean that is a double gameweek facing the worst team in the league (WBA) and the best (United).

So, yes - I have some major doubts about Wigan. And here's why: There is not one team in the Premier League with as little to play for as Wigan. They have nothing to play for. Relegation is not an option, and neither is Europe. The Latics are stuck in 11th. Tottenham, in 10th, has a chance at Europe. Bolton, in 12th, aren't mathematically safe. Wigan literally have nothing to play for. And they face off against a WBA side who can play some lovely, lovely football at times and are hoping for a miracle escape to safety.

It's of course just a hunch, but WBA's Chris Brunt (4.8M) is very dangerous from set pieces and striker Marc Antoine-Fortune (5.2M) could provide problems to Wigan's banged up defenders. The game will be open - and Rodallega / Valencia / Mido could benefit on the counter as WBA look to attack. GK Chris Kirkland should still rack up save points in both of his matches but expect goals in both.

If this one ends up 0-0 I will eat my hat.

Prediction: WBA 3 - 2 

III. Studs and Duds: Rapid fire style. We have some "oldies but goodies" resurfacing as studs this week. I like Bolton's studs Matty Taylor and Kevin Davies at home to Sunderland... Cahill and Fellaini look strong at home for Everton... and Aston Villa's Young / Barry / Milner / Carew / Agbonlahor could cause problems for Fulham's usually resolute home defense. All studs then. Add Liverpool's mid priced but on-fire role players to that list (my personal favorite Benayoun, as well as Kuyt and the injury doubt Alonso) and you have plenty of studs to choose from...

I'm going to focus on duds this week who are owned by tens of thousands of managers (in some cases hundreds of thousands) but look unlikely to produce quality returns...Duds this week are the injured Clichy (out for the season due to a back problem but still very popular and 10% owned) as well as the possibly injured Glen Johnson (8% owned).  Rio Ferdinand is owned by 15% of managers but will probably only feature in one of United's two matches. Those are the injured duds...

I think players who straddle the stud/dud fence are those from Newcastle, Boro, Stoke, and Hull. I just can't predict those two encounters at all, and those two matches will go a very long way to deciding the Premier League future of those clubs. If you have any predictions for those tough ones to call - leave them in the comments section.

IV. EPL Gameweek 36 Best Eleven:

GK: Kirkland

D: Vidic - Steinsson - Arbeloa

M: Ronaldo - Gerrard - Valencia - Brunt - Cahill

F: Rooney - K. Davies

Didier Drogba Enjoys Casual Footwear and Diving

Didier Drogba, the Diver

Just some fun and games this evening. I really do admire Drogba as an amazing player - for both club and country - but to the (grammatically challenged) commenter who said "Drogba never takes to ground without a contact," I only have my best (and only) friend Youtube to defend me:

Tom Henning Øvrebø? Sounds more like Oopsvrebø to me

Tom Henning Ovrebo, in complete control, as usual 

Chelsea lost to Barcelona via referee Tom Henning Ovrebo and Barcelona's Andres Iniesta today. 

After the game, Didier Drogba labelled the official from Norway a "disgrace."

That's actually quite funny, considering Drogba was red carded last year in the Champions League final - probably costing Chelsea the title. Furthermore, the tosser received a three match ban earlier this year for violent conduct.

Oh, and he's a better diver than Tom Daley.

So, deplorable officiating aside, who's the disgrace again?

The Fantasy Tale of Fernando Torres

Here's a fantasy footie non-fiction tale for you that has certainly ruined my spring:

I was humming along nicely with the greatest fantasy footie midfield in history, building a 90 point mini-league lead in the process - Ronaldo, Gerrard, Lampard, Matty Taylor, and Stephen Ireland doing the business and then I lost all sanity on April 18th.

April 18th, the day I brought in the injury prone, non-penalty kick taking, expensive, in and out of form Fernando Torres. The day that (may) go down in infamy as I attempt to throw away a chance at a 4th straight mini-league title.

I've never been enamored with over-paying for strikers - preferring instead to take my chances with the cheap Kenwyne Jones, Carlton Cole, James Beattie, and even Cameron Jerome varieties - knowing that those lads are/were just as likely to find the back of the net as someone like Torres - worth twice their price. It has been one of my cardinal rules. But I broke it:

Right or wrong, my thinking on April 18th was this - Gerrard is out injured. Torres is healthy. Liverpool are still in the title race. They need goals. They're scoring at will. So surely Fernando will do the business. And he did, sort of: He rewarded me with 2 goals in his first game - and Liverpool scored 4. In his second game, I captained him, and Liverpool scored 3. Great! Not really.  Fernando struck the crossbar and went goalless. No big deal, I'll captain him against crap Newcastle. And I did. And Liverpool scored 3 again. Great! Not really. Fernando pulled out just hours before the match with a hamstring problem.

Call it unlucky, but no matter how well prepared you are in this beautiful game of fantasy footie, luck does play a factor. Last week, I had Torres, Ronaldo, and Glen Johnson on my bench injured or rested. That's 33M worth of talent benched. 33 fucking million.

So, back to square one. Fernando faces off against West Ham this weekend. Last year, Fernando hit for a brilliant hat trick against West Ham. Can he do it again?

Is he even fit? Manager Rafa Benitez "thinks" he will make the weekend.

So, do I drop Fernando for the resurgent Rooney - another overpriced striker who also doesn't take penalty / free kicks and despite his excellent form may find himself on the bench in favor of Tevez and/or Berbatov this weekend? Or stick with my Achilles' Heel - Torres?

Sounds like a case of deja vu to me.

Ronaldo > Ribery

Arsenal v Manchester United

The second leg of our all-English Champions League semifinal is here. An exciting day. Manchester United take a 1-0 aggregate lead to the Emirates - and it has been 8 years since Arsenal have won a home match against United by two goals. Looks good for Sir Alex Ferguson's men then.

Rio is back. Evra should start despite missing training yesterday, and Berbatov may replace Tevez up front as United may look to slow the pace down through the silky Bulgarian up front rather than crank the pace up through their Argentine auto insurance spokesman.

For Arsenal, the made of glass but pure class Robin van Persie should be fit again to partner the powerful Emmanuel Adebayor up front. United's recently inconsistent defense will have to be at their best.

As a neutral, this match has it all. The quality on the pitch is amazing, even if John O'Shea does feature.

Perhaps Liverpool supporters will be hoping for a few (minor) injuries, and some extra time and exhaustion, as Rafa's men cling to their slim Premier League title hopes...

I think United should survive the tough battle and advance to their second straight Champions League final.

Bendtner: "I Can Be the Best"

No you can't, Nicklas.

Bendtner insisting that he can be among the world's best is like me nonchalantly saying, "I'm going to lay Catherine Zeta-Jones over Memorial Day holiday weekend."

No I won't.

Come on Nick. You're better than that. 

Or, you're not.

Bank Holiday Weekend Blues: Rest & Rotation for EPL's Finest

It's a Bank Holiday weekend in the UK, and that means rest and relaxation for millions. Premier League players included...

Notable fantasy footie studs missing from the starting lineup today include: Cristiano Ronaldo, Glen Johnson (hamstring), Amr Zaki, Rio Ferdinand, Cesc Fabregas, Emmanuel Adebayor, and Jermain Defoe...

Hope you can still field a starting 11! Good luck to all managers.

Don't Do This!

Good luck to all fantasy footie managers this weekend.

Funny Feeling Friday: Amr Zaki

The least punctual player in Premier League history, Amr Zaki (6.1M) could be back-i. The Egyptian scored 10 goals in the first half of the season, but has yet to score in 2009. 

He's fit again, and spring is here - so my gut tells me he may just find a few goals before the end of the season.

Amr Zaki, you enigmatic Egyptian, you are this week's "Funny Feeling Friday."